Flavor Text Adventures Vol. 1

40 Hours left to go, and another stretch goal unlocked!
6 months ago – Fri, Apr 12, 2024 at 04:33:03 PM

"Heinrich! It's time for another update!" I proclaimed as I stormed into my office, taking my apron off and flinging it onto the back of the chair.

"Must we?" said the sword, hanging as always from its bedside peg, "We've already done a few, surely we dont want to annoy our backers!"

"We MUST! They've helped us raise NINE THOUSAND GOLD PIECES, Heinrich! And besides, it's an Alton Green project... a little annoyance is expected!" I sat down at my writing desk and picked up a quill and a piece of parchment.

"Very on brand, sir, that's true. So, what happened at 9K?"

"So glad you asked! At 9K the books will all come with a built in ribbon bookmark. Green, of course!"

"Of course."

"And not only that, but these little nifty spine bands at the top and bottom, in green and yellow, my family colors!"

"Your mother would be so proud, sir."

"I know you're being sarcastic, and I dont even care. I wont let let you ruin the moment!"

The sword sighed. "You know me so well, sir. So ribbon bookmark and bands... check! What's next?"

"Next? Oh yes! At ten thousand the book will get a spiffy dust jacket!"

"Smart move, sir. Lots of dust in them grocery sto... I mean dungeons."

"Indeed! It's book armor, basically."

"Sounds delightful. Anything else?" The sword said in an uncaring monotone.

"OH! I almost forgot! Remember thart improvements we unlocked? Take a look at this AMAZING drawing of me and the gang from Life of the Party: Realities of an RPG'er!!!"

"Whoa, Alton! I must say, I'm actually impressed. Travis Hanson is quite the artist! How in the hells did you get him to do the drawing?!" the rapier exclaimed dubiously.

"What is that supposed to mean? Clearly, my dashing good looks and stellar reputation has artists across the land clammoring to paint my visage!" I said proudly, glancing at the desk mirror and adjusting my mustache.

"Verily, sir. I have no doubt. I notice I'm not in it." 

"Oh, quiet You! This drawing is quite the art piece. And a colored version of it will be in the book. I am beyond excited!"

"I can tell, sir."

"Well, I better get to writing this update! Daylight's a-wastin', and I have a fell-beast roasting downstairs..."

 

72 Hours to go, and another stretch goal unlocked! Also, acorns are delicious, but sentient acorns?! Hmm...
6 months ago – Wed, Apr 10, 2024 at 12:11:36 PM

Hello everyone!  This is Kfir, the director of Flavor Text Adventures.
Alton is busy at the moment, no doubt on a mission to acquire some rare ingredient, and asked me to write this update in his stead. I hope you won't mind, and I'm sure Heinrich needed a break too.

The Kickstarter has just under 3 days to go, and I'm excited to tell you that we've unlocked yet another stretch goal. This time it's the Art And Recipe Improvements!

What does this mean? It means that some of the art that was already in the book may be redone to look even better than before. New art will also be added, including some very cool surprises by artists you may know, and we'll re shoot some of the recipe photos that we think could use improvements. So, overall this will make the book look even better!
Since we were confident we'd unlock this goal, over the last few days we already started working on it! Here are a couple of new drawings, by the amazing Allie Briggs!

These will be added to the Unicorn and Cave Troll chapters, respectively.
We love Allie's work, and you would too! Go follow her on Instagram HERE!

The next stretch goal is at $9000 and is one that is not only useful, but will make the book even prettier: A ribbon bookmark built into the book, and color spine bands (in Alton's house colors, of course!)

With only 3 days left, we could definitely use your help! Please like and share our social media posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter! If you see our ads, like, comment on, and share those as well! Tell all your friends, and if you happen to have a local friendly game store you love, tell them about the new Retailer Tier we added, where they can get 6 copies of the book for a 50% discount!

And finally, I'd like to tell you about another intriguing D&D 5e crowdfunding campaign we ran across. This one is called Myrwoods, and is a 5e Forest Setting Sourcebook. In their own words:

Myrwoods is a brand new 5E setting sourcebook packed full of heroic treants and vengeful undead. Explore an ancient forest of magic, unearth forgotten secrets, battle dozens of undead creatures, and leave your mark upon the woods. Discover a wealth of new player options from brand new treant races to heroic new subclasses, mystical magic items, legendary upgradable relics, and much more!

Immerse yourself in a battle between nature and undeath inspired by the ethereal woods of Middle-Earth, dark creatures of Elden Ring, heroic atmosphere of the Legend of Zelda, and the legendary locations of the Arthurian Legends.

It even has this entirely new race of adorable, and sentient, acorns! Since regular acorns are delicious (when prepared correctly), I think I might "forget" to mention these guys to Alton, thereby avoiding one or several of them coming to an early, gruesome, and yet no-dbout accidental demise, and ending up in his stew pot. 

And that's it for now! Thank you all again for your amazing support! We're eagerly, and nail-bitingly, waiting to see what the next 3 days will bring.

Delicious... oh... umm... sincerely,

Kfir

Last week! And another goal smashed! Also, Mimic Mayhem!
7 months ago – Sun, Apr 07, 2024 at 01:12:19 PM

“HEINRICH!” I shouted as loud as my halfling lungs would allow (and that’s pretty loud I’ll have you know).

“HEINRICH!!!” I looked around for the slender rapier. Where did it go off to?

“I’m right here behind you, Alton. Hanging from a peg, where YOU put me not two minutes ago! Stop shouting, you’ll wake the guests.”

“We should wake the guests! This is important!”

“What is important, sir?”

“The Kickstarter, there’s less than one week left!”

“Oh, that thing. Yes sir, bu-”

“No buts! Unless they’re pork, or cave troll. Also, not only are on in the last week of the campaign, we also just unlocked yet another stretch goal!”

“Oh really?! During the daylight hours? How strange! Which goal is that?”

“I know, right? Maybe not all our backers are dark creatures of the night after all. And it’s the second additional chapter from our existing publications! This brings the total up to 8 so far, and the backers will vote on which two to add once the campaign is over.”

“Splendid, sir! Which chapters will you let them choose from?”

“I’m not entirely sure yet, to be honest. There are so many good ones… Gelatinous Cube, Pixies, Goblin, Cockatrice… even the Mimic!”

“Ugh, please, don't remind me of the mimic incident. I still get whiffs of that smell in my scabbard sometimes.”

“You don't even have a nose, Heinrich!”

“It’s the thought that counts, and I don't want to think about it, ever.”

“Oh, speaking of mimics…”

“Let’s not, sir.”

“...I need to tell our backers about another great discovery I made on Kickstarter!”

“Let me guess, sir, another protest letter from PET-Mi, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters?”

“What?! Why would that… No! I got a letter from a fellow chef wanting to exchange Mimic recipes! She sent me a lovely one for a stew. Apparently, it makes for a great substitute for rat.”

“Eww.”

“Eh, I’m not a fan of rat stew myself, but ‘a rat in the pot is worth two in the cot’, as they say.”

“They? Who’re they?”

“Anyway… Our backers should check out Mimic Mayhem, it’s a hilarious one-shot adventure for 5e that, well, has a lot to do with mimics!”

“Clearly, sir.”

“It might even have something to do with eating them. Though you didn’t hear that from me.”

“Hear what, sir?”

“Exactly.”

“What’s the next stretch goal, sir?”

“For Flavor Text Adventures? Oh, the next three goals are exciting stuff. We want to make the book prettier. First up are art and photo improvements, maybe even some small fun content additions. Then a ribbon bookmark, and finally a dust jacket. Because cook books need armor, too.”

“Right-o, sir. One should always wear protection.”

“Indeed!”

 

WOOHOO! Additional Chapter UNLOCKED!!!
7 months ago – Sun, Mar 31, 2024 at 12:16:05 PM

“Wooooooeeeeeeeeeeewoooo!”

The high-pitched screech echoed inside my head, shooting lances of hangover-induced pain throughout my sleeping body.

“Wooooooeeeeeeeeeeewoooo!”

I grabbed my pillow and pulled it down over my head in a vain attempt to muffle the horrible sound. It was then I realized the noise was coming from inside my head.

“HEINRICH!!!! STOP IT!” I shouted into the pillow, causing another wave of pain to explode right behind my eyeballs.

“Woooo-”

“I MEAN IT!”

The sword went silent.

“A bosun’s whistle, Heinrich? Really?! Was that necessary?” I carefully lifted the pillow from my face and eyed the rapier suspiciously. “Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?”

“Where’s Greenland, sir? And besides, I was employed, if embarrassingly so.”

“A toothpick for a yeti is hardly a job, Heinrich.”

“Beggars, and abandoned magical swords, can’t be choosers, Alton - sir.”

“Fair enough. So… what is it this time? It’s a Sunday and I was really working hard on sleeping off this hangover. Last night was WILD!”

“Umm… yes, it was, sir. We’re going to need to replace at least three of the tavern tables, a chandelier, and two of the help.”

“It was THAT wild? It’s a bit fuzzy.”

“So was the bugbear, sir. Anyway, something happened while you were asleep, again.”

“You don't mean…”

“Yep.”

“Nooo, really?!”

“Really, really, sir.”

“Another stretch goal unlocked during the night?? This is becoming a bizarre pattern.”

“Well, it was daylight already, but you were sleeping off a stupor -”

“It counts!” I interrupted. “So what did we unlock?”

“This one is exciting, sir! An additional chapter in the book!” The sword actually managed to sound a tiny bit impressed for a change.

“Wonderful! And the backers will vote on which chapter gets added when the campaign is over! This IS exciting!”

“Verily, sir.”

“I should send out an update to thank them all. Later, though, when my head doesn’t feel so much like a pack of rabid goblin clowns is partying in it.” I rubbed at my temples.

“That’s… quite the visual, sir. Well done.”

I shrugged. “It’s a gift.”

“Speaking of goblins, don't forget to tell them about Pek’s Peril.”

“Pek’s what?”

“Pek’s PERIL, sir. The 5e one-shot adventure by Two Taverns!”

“Oh, RIGHT! That Pek’s Peril! You know, I really love a good culinary adventure. It was very nice of that fan to write to me… what was his name?”

“Grendar the Hungered, I believe.”

“Grendar the Hungered! Yes! What a great name! Anyone who likes food that much must be an upstanding guy, don't you think?”

“Certainly, sir. I’m sure he’s a saint.” said the sword with dripping sarcasm.

“Look, Heinrich, when a connoisseur of goblinoid dishes writes to me asking about recipes for goblin because they know I’m an expert, that’s quite the compliment. How bad could they be?”

“Ask the goblins, sir.”

“That’s a fair point, I wonder if Splak has heard of this Grendar.”

“...the Hungered.”

“Right. Anyway, Pek’s Peril is a 50 page D&D 5e one shot adventure suitable for level 5 characters and above. It’s got something to do with goblins and this Grendar guy, who I’m sure is a right jolly fellow, and it even comes with a special magical item called the Flat Cap of Charisma…not that I need it, of course, I’ve got Charisma in spades.”

“Oozing out of every pore, sir.”

“Anyway, I’m sure some of those who backed Flavor Text Adventures could use that cap, and everyone should check out the campaign! It’s already funded, too.”

“I’ll remind you to add the link to the update, sir.”

“Thanks. Now I’m going back to sleep.”


https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2taverns/peks-peril-a-dandd-adventure-one-shot?ref=ej28p9

AND WE'RE OFF!!! First stretch goal unlocked, and owl bear milk!
7 months ago – Fri, Mar 22, 2024 at 07:34:09 AM

"Good morning, Heinrich." I said to the rapier still hanging from the bedpost. I really should take it out and oil it, I thought.

"Good morning, sir. And yes, you should. It's been ages since I've gotten a proper lube job." said the sword's poshly accented voice in my head.

"Stop reading my mind! Any news?"

"Oh... let's see... A few of the feral cats that live in the barn behind the tavern have disappeared. Gomez suspects it's another shambling mound in the compost pile."

"Ugh!" I groaned. "I was sure we ripped, and burned, it all last time... root and stem! If it is another mound, we'll have to nip it in the bud! I can't afford to lose another busboy. We have a reputation to keep, you know?" I yawned.

"Umm... yes, sir. There is, as you say, a reputation. Though I'm not sure it's the kind y..." 

"ANYWAY..." I unterrupted the sword before it could finish its no-doubt scathing criticism of my life choices, "...I wasn't talking about backyard cat news! I meant the Kickstarter!"

"Oh! Right, sir. That. The first stretch goal was unlocked during the night." said Heinrich in a bored tone.

"Why didn't you say so?? And why do these things always happen during the night?"

"It's possible a large part of your backer demographic are vampires, sir." mused Heinrich.

"Hmm... that's a chilling thought. Though it would make targeting ads somewhat easier." 

"Always looking at the bright side, sir. Way to go!"

"Remind me, what was that stretch goal again?" I mumbled as I groggily pulled on my pants.

"Something about maps, I believe."

"Right!" I perked up. "Maps! We're going to scale up any map that will show in the book, and include it as a separate digital image so that folks can use them for VTT's or even print them out as battle maps or handouts! Right now that includes the map of Cave Troll's lair, the Big Tavern itself, and the Monster Dash! And if any more chapters with maps get added, we'll include those, too! That's exciting!"

"If you say so, sir."

"Well, I do! Anything else?"

"You asked me to remind you about the Owlbear milk, sir. Frankly, I'm not certain we want a repeat of the last incident. It took months to get rid of all the tar and feath..."

"Owlbear Milk!!" I interrupted the sword again. "I almost forgot! Thanks, Heinrich! And don't worry, I'm not getting tarred and feathered again. This is actually really cool!"

"I dont believe you, sir."

"See, I was poking around Kickstarter the other day, and wouldn't you know I ran into a project called "The Quest For Owlbear Milk" ! Needless to say, I was intrigued! It's a 5e adventure for 5th level characters, sent on a quest to find legendary owlbear milk, said to hold wondrous healing properties! It's brilliant!"

"If you say so, sir."

"Owlbear MILK, Heinrich! Milk! Why didn't I think of it before? I bet it's creamy and delicious. I could make... Frozen Yowlgurt!"

The sword groaned. He's very good at that.

"Anyway, tell everyone to check it out. It's a project right up our kitchen! And if they back it, leave a comment on their page to tell them Alton Green sent them!"

"With haste, sir."

I eyed the rapier dubiously. Heinrich does nothing "with haste". 

"I'm off to the kitchen, I have some recipe ideas to jot down!"