Flavor Text Adventures Vol. 1

AND WE'RE OFF!!! First stretch goal unlocked, and owl bear milk!
9 months ago – Fri, Mar 22, 2024 at 07:34:09 AM

"Good morning, Heinrich." I said to the rapier still hanging from the bedpost. I really should take it out and oil it, I thought.

"Good morning, sir. And yes, you should. It's been ages since I've gotten a proper lube job." said the sword's poshly accented voice in my head.

"Stop reading my mind! Any news?"

"Oh... let's see... A few of the feral cats that live in the barn behind the tavern have disappeared. Gomez suspects it's another shambling mound in the compost pile."

"Ugh!" I groaned. "I was sure we ripped, and burned, it all last time... root and stem! If it is another mound, we'll have to nip it in the bud! I can't afford to lose another busboy. We have a reputation to keep, you know?" I yawned.

"Umm... yes, sir. There is, as you say, a reputation. Though I'm not sure it's the kind y..." 

"ANYWAY..." I unterrupted the sword before it could finish its no-doubt scathing criticism of my life choices, "...I wasn't talking about backyard cat news! I meant the Kickstarter!"

"Oh! Right, sir. That. The first stretch goal was unlocked during the night." said Heinrich in a bored tone.

"Why didn't you say so?? And why do these things always happen during the night?"

"It's possible a large part of your backer demographic are vampires, sir." mused Heinrich.

"Hmm... that's a chilling thought. Though it would make targeting ads somewhat easier." 

"Always looking at the bright side, sir. Way to go!"

"Remind me, what was that stretch goal again?" I mumbled as I groggily pulled on my pants.

"Something about maps, I believe."

"Right!" I perked up. "Maps! We're going to scale up any map that will show in the book, and include it as a separate digital image so that folks can use them for VTT's or even print them out as battle maps or handouts! Right now that includes the map of Cave Troll's lair, the Big Tavern itself, and the Monster Dash! And if any more chapters with maps get added, we'll include those, too! That's exciting!"

"If you say so, sir."

"Well, I do! Anything else?"

"You asked me to remind you about the Owlbear milk, sir. Frankly, I'm not certain we want a repeat of the last incident. It took months to get rid of all the tar and feath..."

"Owlbear Milk!!" I interrupted the sword again. "I almost forgot! Thanks, Heinrich! And don't worry, I'm not getting tarred and feathered again. This is actually really cool!"

"I dont believe you, sir."

"See, I was poking around Kickstarter the other day, and wouldn't you know I ran into a project called "The Quest For Owlbear Milk" ! Needless to say, I was intrigued! It's a 5e adventure for 5th level characters, sent on a quest to find legendary owlbear milk, said to hold wondrous healing properties! It's brilliant!"

"If you say so, sir."

"Owlbear MILK, Heinrich! Milk! Why didn't I think of it before? I bet it's creamy and delicious. I could make... Frozen Yowlgurt!"

The sword groaned. He's very good at that.

"Anyway, tell everyone to check it out. It's a project right up our kitchen! And if they back it, leave a comment on their page to tell them Alton Green sent them!"

"With haste, sir."

I eyed the rapier dubiously. Heinrich does nothing "with haste". 

"I'm off to the kitchen, I have some recipe ideas to jot down!"

YOU'VE DONE IT!!!!
9 months ago – Mon, Mar 18, 2024 at 10:12:33 PM

"Ahem!" coughed the sword's voice in my head.
...
"Sir, wake up!"
...
"Sir... ALTON WAKE UP!" it shouted.

"Mmm... w... wha? Is there a fire??" I groggily started coming to my senses from a deep sleep.

"Sir, wake up! It's done!"

"Done? What's done, Heinrich? Did I leave something in the oven?" I started to panic.

"If I had a face I'd palm it, sir. Nothing's in the oven. It's the Kickstarter, sir, it's funded!!"

"IT IS?? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE, HEINRICH??" I cried, suddenly wide awake.

"I was trying to, sir. You know how you sleep after one of your drinking games with Krieg."

"Ouch... yeah... my head hurts. But HEY! The Kickstarter funded! My memoirs are finally going to be in a REAL book! YIPPEEE!" I cheered.

"Indeed, sir. Yippees all 'round." said Heinrich, in his usual laconic tone.

"So... now what? I guess I should write an update to all the backers and thank them for it, eh?"

"That would be prudent, sir. You couldn't have done it without them. Literally."

"You're RIGHT! They're pretty awesome, my fans. Can't blame them for wanting the book, really, seeing how great a chef I am and all. But they really do deserve some thanks."

"If I had eyes, I'd be rolling them, sir."

"Oh, shut up, Heinrich! Oh, and you know what?" I asked.

"What, sir?"

"As a thank you, we'll extend the early-bird rewards to ALL those who backed the campaign until now, even though it's been longer than 48 hours. Stickers, coasters, and free chapters for EVERYONE! What do you think about that?" I asked proudly.

"Very magnanimous of you, sir. You're a paragon of generosity."

"I am? Oh, yes, of course I am." I narrowed my eyes at the rapier, that looked rather smug at the moment, hanging there from one of the bedposts.

"Hmm... I should probably also tell them how exciting this is, and ask them to share the Kickstarter with all their friends and communities, so that we could unlock some of those nifty stretch goals!"

"Nifty, sir?"

"YES! So it'll say something like 'Hey there, my cheeky wee appetizers, look! We did it! The book is funded! And it's all THANKS TO YOU!! You all get some awesome stuff! Oh, and we're only $500 from the first stretch goal, so please, go share the campaign with everyone you know so that we can make the book even tastier!"

"That'll do, sir. It's downright poetic."

"You think so? Thanks!"

"Get back to bed, sir. You can deal with it in the morning."

"Good idea! Good night, Heinrich!!"

"Sweet dreams, sir."